But, you’ll never play me like LeBron vs. Jordan
J. Cole 2011
Twenty years, wonder who they gon’ say was more important
Both changed the game, came through and made a lane
Who’s to say that who’s greater, all we know, they ain’t the same
Last Saturday when I was in town, I met up my mate S for a coffee run. We hadn’t caught up since February and it was a chance to find out what was new. So coffees in hand, the news started broadcasting at 3pm. I’ve probably glossed over some finer details but the breaking news was that S was not successful in securing a consulting role and that he would have to continue working part time at a chemist.
S studied science then business at two well known prestigious universities (in comparison to me anyway) and walked away with two degrees. So I was surprised to hear that. Following the disappointing news, he informed me that he channelled that into a masters degree which I did not expect. To be honest, I don’t know anyone as studious or has the will power to study as much as him.
Driven by realising that companies may not take him based on arbitrary assignment gradings as opposed to workplace experience, he sought to change that by formulating a plan to project himself onto the path he wanted. And to do so was by firstly renewing his education efforts. He was going to become more focused, take the time and above all, make it count.
S then asked me on my perspective on the situation. Of course I had to be a bit tactful even if it’s hard to piece the words together sometimes. Honesty above all else but there’s a way to phrase things.
What did I think?
Reflecting back and as an outsider looking in at his university life, it couldn’t have been more stark to mine. He had large friend groups, enjoyed the so-called campus life and had the luxury to choose minor subjects.
Delving beneath the outward projections, I think he had a competitiveness about him. While I don’t know his groups of friends, I gather there was a natural tendency to do well as a collective but also outdo each other at the same time. There was a sense there was an unspoken requirement to keep up. I don’t mean that he wasn’t performing well (actually I don’t know). I mean that as time moved on, it became apparent that he succumbed to the pressures of looking at where his uni friends were at in life and where he was. Through the years he talked about what he was going to do and how he was going to get there. He had a much clearer plan than I ever had for myself. Somewhere down the line, conversations would incorporate more lines like: “my mate who’s in….” or “one of my friend is doing…”.
The frustration had started to peek through. He surrendered to the art of comparison. I recognised that there was a lot of inward disappointment, sadness and anguish that he wasn’t where he wanted to be.
I think the comparisons carried through over the years and only has he started to realise that behaviour. That must have been an eye opening moment and in turn invoked a serious change to mindset.
Focus
Like swimmers competing, they stay in their lane and focus on their own goal. Not to say that we should all have pinpoint focus in life because life is about endless possibilities. But it’s much more sane to concentrate on your own path and not determine your life by outside forces. We forget our own passage by always focusing on others. Whether it’s their career, what they possess or their lifestyle. There’s a difference between being motivated or inspired by others and being consumed by it and I think S was more of the latter. Having your life shaped by others is not healthy. They say to part ways with unhealthy toxic relationships. But how do you change that if you’re the source?
Drawing inspiration from J. Cole, S shouldn’t have to compare who is better. No one is the same and their respective paths in life aren’t either.
A large part of achieving that comes from a level of confidence to just be satisfied with yourself. Or in Urban Dictionary speak, you do you (boo*).
*may elicit unintended cringe unless used ironically.
I’m still learning that and I’m certainly nowhere near where I aspire to be someday. But I’ve done my best so far by coming to terms with what I have, what I’m doing and where I am and being comfortable with that. Not to say I’ve got it down to an art form but the following has been a start for me.
Where you are is ok
“Where do you see yourself in five years?” I am unequivocally tired of this question. I deposit that question in the same bucket of overrated office phrases alongside, ‘watch this space’, ‘opportunity’, “start having the conversation” and ‘robust discussions’. Seriously, just shoot me.
Why do I need to be anywhere in the next five years? Ok yes it might be worthwhile to have an inkling of some sort of goal. But I am (fortunately or unfortunately) in the bracket of millennials so by the universally accepted constructed stereotype, why do I need one cause…YOLO?
My more serious answer is simply I don’t know. Why is society seemingly obsessed with wanting to know this when even I’m not quite sure myself? To not have an answer is the same crime as responding with something ridiculous. Just like in high school, who really knew what they wanted to study or have as a career? Some people have their life planned out down to the tee but never saw that being an advantage. Life is so variable so why try and control it through a rigid structure? Who’s to say that you will find your dream job in 20 years instead of 10? Essentially you either achieve your goals or you set yourself up for disappointment if you don’t. Maybe it’s the hippie in me, but going with the flow mentality has helped me live more in the present instead of constantly worrying about what next.
Not needing validation
Long ago, someone mentioned to me: be the shit, not the piece of shit. And just like shit, that has stuck with me.
Within western cultures and more or less western societies, independence is something celebrated. Whether it’s the hustle culture and the nobility to make it on your own or women being empowered.
Getting a second opinion is not the same as being validated. Whilst I might undertake the former, I don’t feel the need to have my views and actions be worthy in the eyes of others. Being an only child and having the independence early on made achieving this goal much easier. It’s liberating.
I also argue that there may be ways in which we validate ourselves without even consciously realising. Like following family expectations by finishing high school, getting into a good uni, graduating, have a well paying job, marry, settle down and have kids. These societal and/ or cultural norms are a subset form of validation and has been perpetuated for decades. Many of us follow these ‘rules’ to make someone proud of our achievements. But who’s are they really? I certainly know for a fact that’s the case especially among my extended family and is a way to make them proud. Who’s to say we need to follow this order or even this pattern? And who are we actually validating in this instance?
Being modest
Flex culture unfortunately is a thing these days. Seeing people flaunting their (often new) money, material items and lavish lifestyles did give me pangs of jealousy. Who wouldn’t want money as it is indeed the currency that makes the world go ’round. However the more I saw it, the less I cared what money brought them and instead became increasingly concerned with the blatantness of their behaviour. In a sense, their lifestyle image was to prove their wealth.
It’s not all about the money, though it often is. I’m unashamed to say I’ve purchased items in order to present a certain image. An image that I believe I wanted and should have. Something that showed I had my adult life together. A nice TV was probably not all that necessary. After one too many renovation shows, I acquired a fancy armchair. I was even contemplating on fancy cookware. All for what? So I could impress my non existent guests that stumble into my home? Thankfully common sense gave me a much needed whiplash and I stopped myself before I moved onto even bigger ticket items.
At my core, I’m much more reserved and understated. Genuinely. I’ve given up on caring about having the latest and greatest. While there is nothing wrong with being inspired by the likes of Pinterest and wanting parquet flooring and Hague Blue on my walls, I’m not going to live a lifestyle by portraying an image that isn’t authentic which I can’t afford in order to boast to my friends to drum up reactions of admiration. Just no.
Accepting body image
This is a personal weakness of mine as I’ve long not liked my appearance. The constant reminder comes from the bathroom mirror, morning and night.
Awkward and lanky is the most apt description. I’ve sought to change it but could never reach the goals that I wanted. It took me a while but I realised it was always going to be an uphill battle, fighting my natural body type and fast rates of metabolism to achieve an ‘unnatural’ image.
My body confidence borders on neutral to low, opting to hide or cover it generally. At the minimum, t-shirts instead of wife beaters to cover my skinny arms which unfortunately has led to a severe farmer’s tan from summer circa 2017. You don’t make friends with salad but jumpers and hoodie are mine.
Pushing into my late twenties, I eventually accepted my physical self for what it is. Not the fake token embracement of natural beauty but the legitimate kind. Of course I know that I don’t have to look a certain way but that doesn’t mean I can’t mask a weak chin with a beard. I acknowledge this is completely superficial but it has gone to help lessen my insecurities overall and be more at ease with the body I have.
Just like maths, life isn’t always easy. Maybe this brain dump has brought up more questions but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves to not compare or be influenced by others. Knowing where to draw the line is the challenge. Because being consumed by it is no way to live.
Let me know your thoughts on this and whether you’ve been caught up in any of these things down below.
Anonymous Rat
I think we all get stuck in the routine of comparing ourselves to others, no matter how hard we try to persuade our minds that we aren’t. Living in the age of of social media where people only showcase the best parts of their lives can be draining, and of course we will see and feel the difference. How come I don’t have x, y and z like them?
Sometimes you have to try to force the part of your brain that compares you to others to take a chillpill, even if it’s a difficult task. But it’s nice to be able to relax for a moment and focus on something else for a change. Where you are is ok, go from there.
Chris C
Yes I agree! Although in my friend’s case it wasn’t so much social media but just his immediate group of friends. And reading between the lines, possibly family expectations as well. It’s a constant effort remembering not to compare as it’s only natural. Taking a chill pill is much needed in today’s society where everything is so instant. I still catch myself sometimes but hey, I’m/ we’re all going the best we can. I wasn’t expecting to write content like this but I’m taking inspiration where I can and it’s nice to be able to channel my thoughts into words. Thanks!