A friend recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Even though she doesn’t know me yet, we’ve actually got something in common.
Someone once asked me “are you an only child?”
– Yes, how did you know?
– Dunno. You sort of have that vibe.
– What…?
Single child syndrome or only child syndrome. What is it that I exude to warrant that characterisation? The sheer desperation to be loved and validated? Hopefully not. Perhaps coming across as more reserved? I’m quite a private person until you get to know me.
This is a question that has come up enough times that I have thought about it in some detail.
“I bet you were spoiled as a child”
In a way, I probably was. It also depends on how you define being spoiled. I mean, I was the only child so I didn’t exactly have to share. I was able to do activities that piqued my interest like drawing, pottery, attend book clubs, museums and music.
When I got older, I enrolled in language school because they didn’t offer French in my first high school (bien sûr). I even got a small (wasn’t small to me at the time) allowance to save and I remember getting an iPod Nano. There were also things that I wasn’t necessarily wanted such as tutoring to do better at maths and English and even got sent to a posh high school after year 8. I didn’t exactly enjoy those things but I can’t deny that it was an act of generosity from my parents back then.
From all the things I was provided, I truly hope I haven’t turned into a clichéd spoilt brat à la Veruca Salt*. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I haven’t inherited these traits.
*Experience may depend on who you ask about me.
The Bourne-ing of Identity
Being an only child allowed my creativity to take priority. The library was frequently visited and got I lost in fiction. I imagined what it would be like as a character in the books I read. I made up stories, scenarios and characters to keep me entertained for hours. Looking back, I don’t think my parents actually got what I was doing and half the time they had a puzzled expression and left me be.
While my brain developed it’s right side, I only learnt how to socially interact at school or attending outside activities. No brothers or sisters to form close relationships with, share each others’ secrets, borrow things, bounce ideas or even learn to argue and compromise.
It also didn’t help that we moved around a lot which meant I had the pleasure of attending four schools. Five if you also count l’école française. In a sense I became internally isolated and each time I moved, I was less emotional about it.
Not that I was lonely.
But I ended up trying to find other means of social interaction outside of school life. I don’t know why I thought I would try pen-pals at the time but here we are. Looking back now it’s quite embarrassing and cringe worthy. It was certainly more ubiquitous back then with no Facebook and such but still wasn’t mainstream. I guess I did things without caring whether it was cool or not.
From that, I ended up communicating with ‘M’ from Sweden. Apparently I put down Swedish as a language I wanted to learn (see? left field things) but to this day it remains woefully less than inadequate. We would send emails back and forth and I would eagerly await the next reply. But I’m still glad I did that because now M is one of my friends to this day. And through M, I’ve come to have another group of friends in my life. We just click. Funny that I managed to find friends so far from home.
Alice’s Adventure in not-so-Wonderland
On the flip side I’ll also say being a single child isn’t all as rosy or care free as depicted in the Instagram/ VSCO filter world. Many things I had to figure out for myself like lodging tax returns, job interviews, buying cars and getting loans to name a few. Even in my final years of high school, I didn’t know what a VCE subject was until I was halfway through term one. Seriously what is a unit 1/2 subject or a 3/4 subject? While others at school seemed to understand because they had parents, brothers or sisters that had gone through schooling in Victoria, I was left scratching my head.
When it was time to apply for university courses, I didn’t even consider the ones preferred from school (business, economics, science, medicine). Obviously it’s clear I have no siblings to get advice for this but neither of my parents attended university. What were they to know about giving me guidance on uni courses?
So in a way,
I knew I had to forge my own path just like everyone in life. But even more so. Not because I was avoiding being mainstream but because I didn’t have someone I could always turn to. The parent relationship just isn’t the same. By nature, I had to be independent.
With that independence, there’s a reason why I’ve got my small circle because quality over quantity. No, it’s not a squad or my ‘fam’. Just purely my friends, my mates. I can’t deny that my close friends also act as my pseudo siblings in a way because who else will understand and listen to what I might be going through or give me advice?
Also expect to be somewhat forgotten by your friends. Just like at work, the loud and dramatic ones always get attention first over the quiet ones. The constant self reliance translated outwards where I was labelled as ‘self sufficient’ or possessing ‘street smarts’. Translation: Don’t worry about it. He’ll be fine.
Case in point, my relationships with my friends don’t always mean I am in constant communication with all of them. Some can go by months without a word but can we pick up where we left off. I had one that checked in recently to see how I was dealing with the corona saga. Of course I was glad to chat but was also found out that they didn’t check in earlier as they weren’t worried about me not being able to cope due to my supposed high degree of independence. Still, I didn’t mind and in a way turned out to be an unintended compliment.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Side Effects?
- All medicines have side effects, great or small. So does being an only child. It’s shaped my mannerisms and behaviour. I grew up being generally observant and more of a thinker (but no Immanuel Kant here) instead of being the outspoken one. I had to be content being alone most of the time.
- In contrary to being forgotten, I tend to worry for people around me especially my friends. Let me stress that I’m not a self worrier. I feel my going ons are never as critical as they might actually be. While I certainly don’t expect to be a subject of concern from my friends, there is probably not much I won’t do for them. Even something trivial like reviewing a CV and providing mock interview responses on a 4 hour bus ride on holiday.
- I’ll also add that my level of self awareness and to a degree, confidence, have fast developed throughout the years. I’d say as a single child, I was acutely aware of what was around me and how the outside world perceived me. Just like this blog which I didn’t start until recently because what if I failed? Having confidence in unforeseen circumstances and more importantly, understanding and coming to terms with what I like and be comfortable without bowing to peer pressure. And just like knowledge, it doesn’t end I’m still working and improving on them.
I have become conditioned in a sense and now proud to said I do not need validation in the things I do. It’s a surprise when it does get brought up and acknowledged but I don’t live my life to seek it.
Great Cultural Expectations
The single most difficult thing I haven’t quite figured out as an only child is how to take care of my parents as they are getting older. I don’t have the option of splitting responsibilities with someone else. I’m sure it exists in other cultures but there is an expectation in Asian cultures for the children or offsprings to support the parents and even the extended family. It’s not so in Western cultures. The general consensus tends to be leaving home at 18 and support yourself. My in depth research on this has been substantiated by media and verified by Hollywood. The so-called ‘paying back the parents’ isn’t a thing.
My parents have their separate lives which compounds the problem. I’m in no position to be able to support my parents and myself at this point in time and for the near future. Add that to my list of to-dos for another day.
In my long winded way, I still have no idea how someone can visually identify an only child. Actually I think it comes down to a lucky guess. It is a 50/50 chance after all. As Exhibit A, I’d like to think it’s the air of quiet independence and discrete confidence as opposed to an attitude of self entitlement if anything. Maybe it’s my version of a resting bitch face due to being comfortable with how I am. Or maybe I come across more reserved at first impression. Who knows? Maybe combined, those are the vibes of a single child.
If you are an only child, have you been asked these questions before and what’s your perspective on this? Also for everyone else, what made you think someone was an only child? Let me know your thoughts below.
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